Normandy's new chef
by Ritualist89
Summary: Mess Sargent Gardner has many duties to attend to, so when other people have to replace him, results are often disappointing. To deal with this Jane Shepard hires a professional chef. Prologue set at end of ME1, story will spin mostly trough ME2 and some of ME3. My first fanfic, English isn't my native language, so wish me luck. Cover by me, see ritualist at deviantart.
1. Prologue

_Outside the Council chambers, after Sovereign's defeat_

"So, how did it go?" Wrex asked.

"Fairly well, but there is a lot of job yet to be done. Should be easier now. Humanity was given seat at the Council and I suggested Anderson to represent us." Jane said.

"Good job, Shepard. Saving Council was a good move after all. Hopefully they will listen you more this time around." Garrus added.

"We sure will need them. Preparing for Reapers won't be easy. But like Anderson said - united, we will defeat them."

"True, true, but enough of that! We won today! Celebrations are in order! Follow me, I will teach you pyjaks how to drink ryncol and live!" Wrex said cheerfully, to slight horror of Shepard and Garrus. Awkward silence lasted for a few seconds, until slight rumbling was heard. Everyone looked at Shepard. She smiled, realizing she was saved by her own stomach.

"I am all for alcohol, Wrex, but I think I'll first have a bite to eat. Feels like forever since I had a decent meal."

"Hmmm, guess we could eat something. Been a while since I had a bite myself." Wrex noted.

"Make that three of us." Garrus added and opened his omni-tool "I know this place I used to go to after my shifts at C-Sec, down at the Zakera ward. Hope it still works after the Sovereign attack."

"Is it any good?" Jane asked.

"Excellent. They serve both levo and dextro meals, and even have volus and quarian rooms. They also offer 'krogan super-sized meals'." Garrus said as he searched the extranet on his omni-tool.

"Heh, I could go for one of those." Wrex said.

"Me too, Wrex." Jane added.

"And we are in luck. Says on the restaurant's page it's open." Garrus pointed his finger at the nearby stairs.

"Despite the geth attack?" Shepard said as they walked.

"Time tag says that page has been updated just an hour ago. If VI managed that page, it would show it's shut down unless staff checked in. Someone had to be working there." Garrus noted

As they walked they noticed that most of the place was littered by geth remains and there were couple of C-Sec officers estimating the damage, as well as civilians piling rubble in trash bins. Buildings were charred from explosions and blood stains were on the walls. There were no corpses, it would seem that C-Sec was quick to handle those first. There were also Keepers cleaning the rubble already.

"This street has seen better days. You sure that place will be opened, Vakarian?" Wrex asked.

"We should know soon, it's just around the corner and ... oh. " Garrus eyes popped out as he entered the small alley "Now that is just hilarious." He showed it to Wrex who give a small chuckle.

"What?" Shepard looked and a wicked grin spread across her face "Nice."

Although restaurant front was smashed, charred and riddled with bullet holes, there was a huge sign saying 'FUCK THE GETH! WE ARE OPEN!' And just to emphasize the point, a geth trooper head was impaled on a stick and placed next to the sign.

"I like this place already." Wrex said as the group entered inside. There was only one human inside, in his 30s with black hair, cleaning rubble from floor. Most of lighting was smashed, but tables were already set up with lamps. As they took their seats human lifted his hand, signaling them.

"I'll be there, just one moment." he said with strong slavic accent as he cleaned last of the rubble and throw it in a bag. He quickly washed his hands, picked few menus and hastily paced to them.

"Good day, boys and girls, how surprising to see customers so quic- Officer Vakarian?" the man said in shock.

"Greetings Elijah. Long time since I was here. How are you doing?" Garrus asked.

"Ha ha, I am good, but my god. Just this morning I saw the vids of the attack. You were there fighting with commander Shepard and Urdnot Wrex at the Council tower." He looked next to Garrus and his jaw dropped.

"Excuse me. Shepard? THE Shepard of THE Normandy?" Elijah asked, his eyes wide, not believing who he was seeing.

"Um, yeah." Jane said, hoping this man wasn't another Conrad Verner.

"Commander, it's a true honor to have you here! Consider all your orders - on the house!" he said enthusiastically.

"Now you really don't have to..." but man cut of Shepard immediately.

"No, commander. YOU didn't have to chase down Saren and fight geth, but you did and saved all our asses here today. I am ashamed I didn't recognize you earlier. I consider you all my guests and free meals are the least I can do."

"Well, if that is the case, we might as well order. What can you recommend us?" Jane said.

"Madam, we have just about any food from Earth and colonies, and every major dish from each of species homeworld. But we mostly do meat. We have lot of it, every kind from every habitable planet known to us."

"Heh, even Tuchanka? Got varren steaks?" Wrex asked.

"Yes indeed, we have them. You would be surprised how many krogan come here. We keep meats in special freezer with mass effect stasis fields to keep them fresh, maybe not as fresh as just killed one. We tried to have that option, but animal rights groups won't allow us to open a new slaughter house on the Citadel."

"Varren isn't varren if I just didn't killed it, but I could give it a try" Wrex said as he looked at the menu "I will take some fish as well and some ryncol with that."

"I would like some lut'avva stew, Elijah. Been a while since I had it." Garrus asked, looking at his own menu.

"Would you like it with meat of yritx or citruun?" Elijah said with the smile. Garrus was silently happy. Those meats were one of most expensive and he couldn't afford back when he was working with C-Sec.

"Spirits damn me, I think I'm on a visit to Cipritine. Can you make it with both?"

"But of course! Spicy or extra spicy?" the man asked.

"Think you could go beyond extra?"

"You better buy new digestion system, cause this dish will burn right trough you, officer. And what would you have, commander?" Elijah turned to Shepard again.

"Still thinking. You really have variety of cuisines on the list here. French, Italian, Japanese, Turkish, Indian, Greek, Chinese ... how do you prepare all that?" Jane asked.

"Eh. A little help with robots to retrieve supplies from storage and watch the timers, but other than that it's all in the hands." man wiggled his fingers to emphasize the point.

Jane gave him a curious look "You cook and serve here all by yourself?"

"Of course not. I normally just cook, but for obvious reasons rest of the staff took couple days off. Fear not, since you are only one here for now, that shouldn't be a problem. Unless you have friends coming?" he asked.

"Damn. We almost forgot about rest of the team. Would it be trouble if we invite some more people?"

Elijah seemed almost insulted "Commander, did I said that all food is on the house today or not? Call the people in, whole Normandy is welcome."

Jane smiled opened her omni-tool "Joker, come in? Where are you?"

"Commander! Good thing you guys remembered us. We just got out of the Normandy and Kaidan, Liara, Tali and I are looking for you and a place to drink, maybe Pressly and Adams will join us later after they organize shore leave. You guys coming?"

"Actually three of us just sit down to have a meal. We'll do the drinking later. Why don't you guys come over? I'm sending you the address right now." Jane typed in her omni-tool.

Joker murmured something to rest of the team and then came back "All right, we are coming, just to grab a skycar. Don't you start without us, we'll be there in ten minutes."

"Good. Shepard out." Jane closed the link and looked up. Elijah was no standing where he was. Moment later, shutters at the nearby wall opened and he was standing with cooking hat, apron and white gloves.

"Excuse me, mister Urdnot, can you come here for moment?" man waved at Wrex.

"Heh, you heard that, Garrus? I am "mister" Urdnot now."

Shepard smirked "And all you had to do to earn it was to kill a renegade Specter. Maybe we should get more of those and turn all krogan into proper gentlemen."

Wrex replied with a laughter and approached the chef.

"Mister Urdnot, if you could just pick your fish. We have a wide selection here." he said as he placed a long tray of fish on table "I will have lut'avva cooking in a moment." he pointed to Garrus and turned to Shepard "Commander, did you made up your mind?"

Shepard gave one last glance at the menu "I'll have shrimps in bacon, rare steak and a bottle of Carmenere. And some soup, any soup. I had been on dry rations for far too long."

"It will be the best soup in the galaxy" chef said as he typed in his omni-tool for robots to deliver ingredients from the storage "Until you wait, have some drinks, help yourselves, I am bit busy." he brought out couple of bottles and glasses on the table next to the shutters.

Wrex grabbed a bottle of ryncol, while Shepard and Garrus each grabbed their own beers. In the back, robots already brought material for the stew for Garrus and Elijah was busy chopping them into little bits, then setting water to boil. Wrex has already picked his fish, simply by pointing to all of them. Without blinking, Elijah picked the whole tray and fired up seven different stoves with pans, pouring oil on them. Waiting for it to heat up, he moved to the grill and took out beef and Varren meat, rubbing them in proper spices. The trio of Shepard, Garrus and Wrex stood next to shutters, drinking, watching the show with slight amusement. This man was as good in the kitchen as they were on the battlefield. He proceeded to wrap up the shrimps in bacon, fire up another stove, put fishes on pans and put ingredients into stew to boil.

"Don't stews take hours, Garrus?" Jane asked.

"Normally, they do, but a turian cook though me how to balance temperatures so to cook it fast, but not ruin it." chef said as he closed the lid and programmed timer on it, the moving on to wrap up more shrimps into bacon "Question commander: do you want more shrimps? Your friends might want a bite to try?"

"I wouldn't mind trying it." Wrex commented "And it is on the house, ha ha." he smiled.

"Sure, why not." Shepard said.

"More shrimps in bacon coming right up." he typed in his omni-tool and from a wall a small robot with long arms popped out. It moved next to chef and started wrapping shrimps into bacon, along with Elijah.

"First robots in months that don't want to shoot us. I don't know what to think about it." Garrus said.

"Watch out, Vakarian. It could hear you. And it's close to the knives. Might want to cut off your fringe and wrap it in bacon." Shepard said jokingly. Wrex laughed.

"Here lies Garrus Vakarian. He was a turian cop, fought alongside Commander Shepard and he was delicious!" Wrex added, making Shepard burst in laughter and even making Garrus smile.

In the background, Elijah has apparently finished all chopping and wrapping and all food was now silently cooking "Commander, while I wait, do you have any idea what your other friends will have to eat?"

"Don't know. I'll ask them." just about as Jane went for her omni-tool crew from the Normandy entered the restaurant.

"Shepard, good to see you again." Liara said, looking very happy.

"He heeeey, commander! Nice place they have here, I especially love the sign outside. Very creative." Joker said.

"Thank you!" a shout was heard from the kitchen.

"That the maker of the sing?" Kaidan asked.

"Yes, it is. And he's also the chef and our host for the day. What would you like, guys?" Shepard said as she handed over the menus "They got everything."

"And don't be shy, like I said to the commander: it's on the house!" another shot was heard from the kitchen.

Four of the new arrivals took their seats at the table and listed trough the menus. Garrus helped the chef by brining the drinks and glasses to the table. Kaidan asked first.

"You got pancakes? I could really go for something sweet now."

"I could have those as well, but I'm up for something salty first. I'll have a pizza toscana and a black beer." Joker said.

"I'll take Thessia spring rolls, along with Nos Astra steak and a bottle of elasa, please." Liara said as she put down the menu.

"That leaves our resident mechanist. What will you have, Tali?" Shepard asked her.

Tali was having trouble finding the right words as she look at the menu "You... REALLY have solid food for... quarians?" she asked the chef.

"Yes. Sadly, our clean room is not functioning right now." shout was heard from back of the kitchen.

"Oh..." Tali was sad.

"But we have a back up. Garrus, mister Urdnot, can you give me a hand over here?" chef opened the kitchen doors and the two walked in. Slight rumbling was heard as something obviously large was moved around. Doors opened again as Garrus and Wrex carried in a large white box with a small black window on its side. Everybody were bit confused, but Tali was not.

"Is that ... an emergency sterilization container?" Tali said as it was dropped right next to her.

Everybody paused, trying to process what she said, Kaidan was first "You mean a tiny clean room?" he asked.

"No. Emergency. Sterilization. Container. We use it when someone needs to remove parts of their suit quickly, but there is no large clean room to do so. Some use it also to have solid meals, but not often. It's a luxury to maintain them." Tali said as she approached to examine the machine.

"Maybe on flotilla, but there is plenty of material on the Citadel for that. Quarians often do jobs around this place. Sometime instead of credits they would like a couple of good meals. So about a year ago a dozen of them installed a clean room and bough several old sterilization containers which they fixed on their own expense. I served them free food every day until they finished their pilgrimage." Elijah smiled to Tali. Even though no one could see it, she smiled back.

"You are quite generous. Most stories I hear are of people living on charity and cheap nutrient paste."

"Well, glad we are exception to that sad rule. Now then. What can I get you?"

Tali scrolled through the menu. So many dishes caught her eye, she just couldn't make up her mind. Tempting as it was to try bit of everything, years of living on flotilla learned her against throwing the food away.

"Do you have a recommendation? I see so many things that I want to try, I just can't make my mind up."

"Would you like to try a 'quarian train'? It includes several dishes."

"I couldn't possibly eat all of that!" Tali said.

"Don't worry, I'll make portions small in size." chef added.

"And if you have any leftovers, I'll be glad to try some of them as well." Garrus commented. After confirming with Tali that she can operate the emergency sterilization container, chef retreated to the kitchen, working franticly. With one hand he started cracking eggs and adding them to flour for pancakes, while with other he started putting blue stuffing in pastry before rolling them. As soon as he was done he placed them in an oven and rushed to a fridge for premade pizza dough. With incredible ease he spin it around his fingers turning small lump into wide pizza base, earning small applause from Normandy crew.

"Is that part of preparation process?" Liara asked Kaidan.

"Nah, it can be done with a rolling pin. Some people do it just for show, though." he replied.

Chef put the pizza base down, adding ingredients on it in quickly succession before putting that as well in the oven. His attention switched to preparing Tali's dish, as he took out six egg-shaped cylinders and placed them on counter. Donning the gloves and a mask, Elijah took meat, vegetable and pastry brought to him by robots and carefully placed them in different cylinder. He then took out a UV lamp and irradiated each batch of food to kill off any bacteria. Each of six cups was sealed and some of them placed on fire. Elijah turned to his guests.

"If I timed everything right, you will all be served in fifteen minutes, in the meantime..." he brought out the bacon wrapped shrimps Shepard has ordered "You can pass time with these. I hope I made enough for everyone." Elijah said as he placed huge tray of shrimps in center of table.

Except for Tali and Garrus, everyone took their share. Shepard seemed to forget her manners as the delicious meal melted in her mouth and she grabbed more hungrily. Wrex wasn't far behind, declaring that despite the tiny size of the sea creatures, they made an excellent chow.

Satisfied that everyone had drinks, Elijah quickly returned to kitchen. Three minutes later he was back, carrying a large bowl full of steaming liquid, and walked to Garrus.

"Officer Vakarian, here is your lut'avva, good luck surviving its spiciness." chef said with devious smile.

Garrus took a good long inhale, his mandibles chipping in satisfaction. This stew was really something. Taking a spoon and blowing in it to cool it off, he carefully took a sip. It was beyond good. And spicy. But he didn't care for it. Tingling sensation on his taste buds was majestic.

"Damn, Vakarian. I wish I could be as happy as you are when you tasted that." Jane said and moved closer to him "Do you always sing a happy song when they feed you well?" she teased him.

"Laugh it up, Shepard. You turned into a ravenous Thresher Maw when those shrimps were brought onto table."

"Hurr hurr hurr, Vakarian." she replied and before she could make another joke Elijah was back with her soup, steak and a bottle of wine, diverting Shepard's attention "You are lucky this Maw is hungry and eating your dextero ass would be bad for my stomach." she added with smile. Garrus smiled back and returned to his stew.

Seconds later the tornado of a chef was back, carrying two more meals. He placed a massive pizza in front of Joker and spring rolls in front of Liara. Both looked quite happy with the meal they got. Coming back from kitchen again, Elijah brought in two massive trays for Wrex, one with steaming varren steaks and other with an array of fish. Krogan's face was of a man who got several mating requests at once and hungrily started eating fishes, each in one bite, not bothering with the tiny bones.

Tali and Kadian both gave thr Wrex a revolted look, but their focus quickly changed as chef came back again, with a small mountain of pancakes and a large bowl of maple syrup and milk.

"Hope you don't mind, major. Extranet told of your Canadian origins, so I assumed you would like this with your pancakes." chef said kindly.

"It's perfect, thank you." Alenko said and nodded in response.

"And last, but not least it's your turn, miss Zorah. Would you please?" Elijah said as he gently pointed to emergency sterilization container. Tali walked to it. It was like small booth for her upper body with tinted window and a chair under it. As she sat bottom half of container closed and decontamination proceeded. With a slight ping, it signaled that tiny room was clean.

"You comfortable?" chef asked.

"Yes, yes. It's quite good, thank you." she replied.

"Hope you don't mind that window is tinted. I was told that quarians don't like showing their faces much. You can still see your friends, yes? Good. I'll back in a second."

Tali activated her omni-tool and scanned the inside of the small booth. It indeed was very sterile. Slowly she removed her mask. Looking up she could see her friends are looking at her, trying to catch glimpse of her face.

"Damn, one chance I could see what's under the mask, and tinted windows are in the way again." Jane said. Tali giggled.

"A shame. I was told by older Asair that quarians are quite beautiful." Liara added.

"Don't know about the males, but I can vouch for the females." Wrex added between the two fishes he was eating. "Did you know that four centuries back they had quarian-only strip club at Omega? Good times, good times indeed. Credits well spent!" The old krogan chuckled.

Tali was spared further stories about her ancestor's less glorious history by Elijah bringing the first cylinder. He placed it into a small holder and cylinder was sucked inside the booth.

"First - a soup with meat bits and enzymes to help your body process the solid food that is to follow."

Taking the spoon, Tali grabbed bit of a hot liquid, blowing it to cooler temperature. Then she took her first sip. It was phenomenally good. So much better than nutrient paste.

"It's ... amazing." she said to chef. He smiled.

"Thank you, glad you like it. I would normally suggest guests to save room for later, but you better finish the soup. Enzymes in it will do really good work later. You still got five more cylinders waiting for you."

After Tali was done with amazing soup, Elijah brought in two more cylinders which were sucked in the booth and previous one was ejected. One held a rich salad with light dressing and other was filled with pieces of meat swimming in a thick brown sauce, with pieces of bread on the side. Color of the sauce was incredibly inviting. So was the flavor and the slightly crispiness of meaty bits.

Eating roughly the half of both portions, Tali decided to stop and call for next meal. Two cylinders inside of the booth were ejected out and Liara passed them to Garrus who, after one smell, was visibly impressed. Elijah put another two meals in the booth for the quarian. A rich pasta was one of them. Tali had often saw humans on Normandy eating this dish, but didn't knew there was a dextero version of it. She ate it with gusto, new flavors melting in her mouth yet again.

Other meal was something Tali couldn't recognize. There were little vegetable rolls filled with white cream, and the whole thing was swimming in red sauce.

"What are these little rolled things?" she asked Elijah.

"Ah, those are based off my mother's recipe. Trust me, they are one of our best dishes. Very hard to make dextero version of it. Very expensive too, so enjoy it."

Tali took several bites and found the taste a bit odd at first, but not unpleasant. As she took more bites, flavor begin to build up. This chef was outdoing himself with every meal he served. Finishing all of it, she ejected an empty cup this time.

"Awww, nothing left for me?" Garrus asked, faking extreme sadness.

Tali smiled "Sorry, this one was too good for a Bosh'tet like you."

And then Elijah brought the last cylinder into Tali's booth. As it opened, Tali recognized the rich smell of hot steaming chocolate. There was a small brown cake with a white lump of ice-cream on the side, whole thing carefully decorated.

"Be careful, the inside is hot. It's called a volcano cake." chef said.

Tali carefully opened her cake, molten chocolate mixed with the ice-cream. Bite she took was pure heaven.

"I should bring you as my pilgrimage gift to flotilla. This volcano cake is sweetest thing I ever had in my life." Tali said cheerfully.

"Volcano cakes? You make those too? Bring me one as well!" Jane added when she overheard what Tali was having.

"A cake called "volcano"? Now that sounds interesting. I'll have one as well." Liara said.

"Yeah, I'll take one as well. Never mind the pancakes I ordered." Joker added himself to the list.

"Ih'll huve whun ash whell! No. Thwo!" Wrex spoke with his mouth full of varren steak.

Garrus looked at chef "Guess I can join the order as well."

"I'm good." Kaidan said and returned to his pancakes.

While the volcano cakes were made, the Normandy ground crew returned to finishing their meals. They were all absolutely full, even Wrex. Silently they sipped their drinks, gasping for air.

"Damn, Garrus. You sure know how to pick a place. I had been on Citadel many times, but haven't been to such a decent place in at least a couple of decades." Wrex said.

"In that case, compliments should go to my sister. She's the one who recommended me this place. Elijah apparently was on Palaven about a year ago on some cooking contest and she got a chance to try some of his dishes. When she heard about him opening a place here, she practically ordered me to check it out."

"Ha, at least one of you two has a sense for good things. If it was all up to you we would go to some crappy processed paste burger joint." Tali added, smirking.

"In that case." Shepard stood up and raised her glass "To Garrus's sister!" everyone cheered and clinked their glasses. "May she always lead us to good places!"

At that moment Elijah stepped in with volcano cakes. Shepard turned around and raised a toast to him as well.

"And to Elijah! The best goddamn chef on the entire Citadel!" Jane spoke, earning even larger cheer from the whole Normandy crew. Elijah smiled proudly.

True to Tali's words, the volcano cakes were delicious. So much so that she and Liara asked for the recipe. All of the crew at this point had trouble moving. They just sat here, drinking and retelling parts of their hunt for Saren, while Elijah listened. He heard so much amazing details that weren't in official news, his jaw hanged most of the time. He told them also bit of himself, of his dream to build the greatest restaurant that could cater to every specie, and hopefully win a Michelin star one day.

"What's a Michelin star?" Wrex asked.

"Star of Terra for chef, basically." Kadian said.

"Really? You humans give medals away for cooking?"

"Nothing is 'given', Wrex. It's very hard to earn one. Often whole restaurant has to work perfectly for years before it's considered for one Michelin star."

"Weird, weird specie." Krogan rumbled to himself.

Eventually, Shepard decided it's time to go and hit a club for celebration, but not before indulging the Elijah's wish for a group photo with them. After a couple of quick shots, omni-tool printed out a large group photo and the whole crew singed the back. They all gave their last compliments to Elijah as they left. Kadian, Liara and Joker saying they will recommend the place to their friends. Wrex boasted that every krogan will know of "super-sized meals", smacking the chef on the shoulder in sign of approval. Garrus said his thanks for providing such great service. Tali was a bit emotional, saying how she has never been treated to such a fine dinner. Elijah smiled and just said to her to come again and she'll be treated even better. Qurian girl smiled under her mask. Shepard was last to leave, shaking Elijah's hand.

"It was a real pleasure to be here. You have been a wonderful host." she said.

"Bah, it's what I do every day. You are most welcome to come again sometime. I will always have a table for you and a clean booth on standby." man spoke, then he pulled Shepard bit on the side. "Commander, can I ask you something?" his face serious

"Yes?"

"The Reapers. They are real?"

Jane took a small breath.

"They are."

Elijah was silent for a moment, and then spoke.

"What can we do? Anything I can assist with?"

"I am not sure what can you do. Taking one Reaper down was hard. There will be much more of them when they come."

"I see. I am no solider, commander. I am a strong guy, but I don't think I can fight in a battle."

Jane smiled at him and put her hand on shoulder to reassure him "Not all are meant to fight, Elijah. Some stay behind us, help us, feed us, tend to wounded, cheer us up. It's as important as fighting. I'm sure you can help with those things when the time comes."

The chef smiled back at her "Very well. I will do my best with skills I have, commander."

"Please, it's Jane. Or Shepard, if you must be official."

"Then I wish you good luck, Shepard. As they say in my country: 'Jebi im mater'."

"Meaning?"

"Literally means 'fuck their mothers', but better translate as 'fuck their shit up'."

Shepard laughed loudly. "No mother of theirs will remain unfucked, you have my word."

She went down the street catching up with her crew, as Elijah came back into his restaurant and looked at the photography of Normandy crew. Then he looked at the empty wall near the bar. He smiled.

"I got just the right place for you." he said to the photo.

_Some weeks later, Citadel_

The photography with Normandy crew and the chef has attracted numerous guests at the Elijah's place over the last few months. But tonight a black ribbon stood at the corner of the now framed photo, in memory of the lost heroine. Elijah served the Normandy crew again after the memorial service, the atmosphere was dark. There was no food, only drinks. Few words were spoken, drinks were finished quickly. Everyone's mind was too burdened to stay for too long. In the following days, only Garrus came few more times, drinking into his sadness, exhausted from work at C-Sec he tried to lost himself in. Then he too stopped showing up. Tali showed up once, asking for Garrus. Elijah was sad he couldn't help. He served his guests as the time passed, but his mind always lingered when he looked at the photo on the well. Shepard's words were in his head.

Reapers are real.

He could do little about it. But damn it, he could do something. Prepare something. Buy supplies for dark days, get some medigel or canned rations. Hopefully, they would serve some purpose, even a little one. Taking a deep breath, he took a datapad and started looking into purchasing a storage room. He was certainly going to need one.

_Two years later, unknown Cerberus facility_

"Shepard, do you hear me? Get out of the bed now – this facility is under attack." Miranda said.


	2. New job

_Normandy, deep space._

Citadel. Jane was sure glad to see it again. Especially after being dead for two years. Despite less then fond memories of her treatment by the Council at certain occasions, she braced herself, hoping at least that saving their lives against Sovereign and having Anderson as councilor will make her case easier to make this time.

She sat at the desk in her cabin and did a short review of business that had to be done while at the giant space station. She already picked her ground squad, Garrus and Mordin would follow her. Her best friend who she had just few days ago saved from certain death on Omega was in a bad mood over death of his squad. Jane hoped tour of old places would lift his spirits a bit. As for salarian scientist and former STG member, he has almost openly invited himself, offering to help with his expert knowledge in the commander's plea to the Council. Even though he had just started working on the Collector's samples, good doctor was already making progress.

Checking the rest of the list, Shepard send a short message to Jacob if any additional supplies are needed for armory, beside the ones he already request for. She also memorized the code word for a meeting with her next recruit, thief named Kasumi Goto. And lastly, she wrote down to buy supplies Mess Sergeant Gardner asked for.

Jane looked at the time and saw that dinner is almost over, so she took an elevator and exited in almost empty mess hall. Dr Chakwas was on the right in medical lab, and give Jane a polite wave of hand, obviously still quite happy from Ice Brandy she bought her on Omega. Shepard approached the table to pick up her dinner and saw that Gardner wasn't there. Instead, crewman Zach Matthews was serving the last meals.

"Evening, commander. What can I get you?" he saluted her.

"At ease, Matthews. I thought your duties didn't include anything outside command deck?"

"Well Gardner also has several others duties to attend to, so sometimes someone of the crew has to make something instead of him." crewman grinned and brought out a bowl of stew for the commander.

'Someone made something' definitely described the brew properly by the looks of it. Shepard took a seat and tasted the stew. Way too salty. She took a lot of bread and water with it, just to make it passable. Jane wondered if dextero dinner for Garrus was just as bad, or did the poor turian took a nutrient paste to save himself the trouble. After finishing the meal Jane took a short walk to Miranda's office and knocked on the door. After getting conformation from her new XO he walked in.

"Commander. How may I be of help?"

"Just a minor thing, regarding the dinner." Jane said.

"Ah, I seen you tasted crewman's Matthews work of art as well?" Miranda smiled.

"Yeah, I did. Is he really the most qualified substitute for Gardner?"

"This crew is primarily trained to operate a warship, commander. And most of them are ex-alliance, used at eating at the mess halls and food with a lack of flavor." Miranda replied "Beside, if Gardner hasn't informed you, we are bit low on quality supplies at the moment."

"He did tell me, I plan to correct that at the Citadel. I am more concerned what will happen after I get them. Does any of the crew know how to cook dextero meals beside Gardner? Or any decent meals at all?" Jane inquired.

"I wouldn't call them experts, but I don't see much trouble with occasional low-grade meal. If you are worried about what would your gunnery chief eat, I'll point out to Gardner to make all the dextero meals himself. " Miranda said.

"Low-grade meals might be a small thing now, but in a long run can be a problem, Miranda. By Illusive Man's list we have a krogan warlord and a biotic convict to recruit. Those two alone will eat like half the crew and I doubt they would be quite happy with too much bad meals. And let's not forget the people we need to recruit after we finish with them."

Miranda sighted "So, what do you suggest? We put Gardner just in charge of the kitchen? He does lot of other minor jobs on the ship, it will take several crewmen to replace him on those as well."

Jane took a seat in the chair and paused to think. After several minutes her eyebrows rose up with an idea. "I know. Can we request from Cerberus another cook?"

"Commander, in case you forgot, Cerberus isn't exactly kind of organization that is attractive to chefs." Miranda said, almost sarcastically. "Beside, all the current crew is selected for their tolerance for working with aliens and has been specially debriefed and trained to fight the collectors. I think Illusive man would find a little waste of his resources to repeat whole process just for one chef."

Jane sighted "Ok, how about we hire someone from the side?"

"We are not having non-Cerberus personnel on the ship, commander." Miranda said.

"What about all the people we are recruiting?" Jane replied.

"Their records have been thoroughly examined, commander, and Illusive man has high trust that you can make them work as a team."

"So HE trusts me to make a group of highly dangerous people act nice, but YOU don't trust me to bring a civilian chef on board?" Jane said with slight emphasis on the few chosen words.

Miranda remained silent. Jane smiled back. She sighted.

"Fine, have it your way, commander. I will still need to do a background check on whoever you choose and they would need to sing a no-disclosure contract with Cerberus." Miranda said.

"No contracts, Miranda. I doubt I will find anyone if they have to sing anything that makes them officially part of Cerberus."

"Commander, it's a standard to..."

Jane cut her midsentence "No." There was a brief silence.

"Miranda. I promise I will find someone reasonable who won't spill everything they see here as soon as they reach first extranet terminal, okay?" Shepard said.

Miranda had to sigh once more "Very well, commander, but I will have to include this in my report. Will that be all?"

"Yes. Thank you for being reasonable, Miranda. Good night." And with that Jane Shepard went for her cabin.

_Day later, after meeting with the Council._

Jane took a deep breath. Things could have gone worse, but then again they could have gone a lot better. She was a Spectre again, but story about the Reapers was buried under the rug. At least Anderson was still there, doing what he could. Now she had to what she could as well. It was a long day of recruitment, various errands that needed to be done and conforming with authorities that she is indeed alive.

"I need a drink." Jane said "And something that isn't poison, either."

"Hitting the club already, Shepard? It's not even evening." Garrus teased.

"No, someplace calmer. I just need to sit for a few hours."

"Good idea. Could use a break myself. Had many ideas in last forty minutes. Need to write them down. Break will be useful." Mordin added.

"Mordin, you do realize breaks are used to stop working?" Jane said.

"Yes, very much aware. This is not working. Mere taking of notes. Like you said. A break." salarian smiled. Jane gave up.

"We could go to Elijah's place. It's still in the old location." Garrus suggested.

"Great idea. Let's go." Shepard said.

About ten minutes later they arrived at a packed place. Restaurant's facade was fully renovated, inside seemed like there was not a single free seat left. As the trio stepped in, the waiter walked up to them.

"I am sorry, madam, but weapons aren't allowed inside. You can leave them at the locker over there." he pointed.

Jane just smiled, activated her omni-tool and showed her Spectre authority to the waiter. His eyes went wide. He excused himself to check with the owner.

"Abusing power already, Shepard?" Garrus joked.

"What can I say? I'm a bad girl." Jane smiled.

A minute later behind the door their old acquaintance showed up. Elijah's eyes were even wider than the waiter, but his mouth were spread in a huge smile.

"Shepard! The stories were true, you are alive!" he laughed as he gave Jane a strong handshake, his voice booming with happy laughter. He turned to see Garrus behind her.

"Vakarian, you are alive as well!" he shook his hand as well "Such joy, such joy! Tali was asking about you, your father came here as well to look for you."

Garrus give him a polite smile "Yes, I know. I heard from both of them. Good to see you too, Elijah."

Jane pointed at their third member "This is a new member of our crew, doctor Mordin Solus."

Elijah gave him a firm handshake as well "Good to meet you, doctor."

Mordin returned a polite smile "Likewise. Is there a place where we can sit?"

Elijah looked like he was waiting for that question specifically since his smile got even bigger. He pointed his hand upstairs. "Of course. Follow me. But first!" he stepped to the framed picture of Normandy crew that was hanging on the wall and ripped off the little black ribbon that stood on it. Then he took the trio upstairs.

Elijah had them placed in a small VIP section. He took a couple of hours off and joined them for a drink. They started sharing stories about what happened in the last two years. Garrus was brief about Omega, not wanting to tell gory details of recent events. Shepard told little there was about her. The death, the resurrection, the mission of Freedom's Progress, the Cerberus,the Omega and the new Normandy. Elijah listened to it all, trying to cope all of it. Shepard took a chance to take a look at Elijah. The man has changed. Hair on side of his head has grayed up, leaving only top black. From his stories, Elijah was very stressed when Shepard died, fearing what would happen when Reapers come. At least his mind was more at ease now when he saw her alive.

He also had a huge scar across his forehead. She inquired about it. Elijah smiled and told a story of a particularly bad krogan customer whom he had to headbutt into calming down. Not the smartest move, but the leftover scar was very distinctive of krogan crest, which kept most of unruly customers in order if needed. Jane and Garrus laughed. Also - having a scar and a reputation helped to attract high-class patrons, since he earned not one, but two Michelin stars. Admiring his skull, Mordin inquired about Elijah place of origin.

"Balkans."

"Ahh, southeastern Europe. Highly mixed population. Also region with specific bone mutation - tends to be thicker than normal humans. Headbutting krogan." Mordin inhaled "A survivable action."

Elijah looked at Jane "Interesting addition to the crew you have, Shepard."

"Yeah he does that." She finished her drink.

"Where are the others? You told me about Tali and Joker. I heard from news that Wrex is on Tuchanka. What about Liara and Kaidan?" Elijah inquired.

"Last I heard, Liara is on Illium, working as information broker. Kaidan. I have no idea where he is." Jane said.

"You'll find him, I'm sure."

"Eventually, I hope." Jane looked at her omni-tool. They should be going back soon. "Listen, Elijah, while I am here, can I ask you for a favor?"

"Go ahead, Shepard."

"I'm looking for a Mess Sergeant on my ship. One we have now is kind of busy with other tasks sometimes and his replacements are not top notch. We are going on dangerous mission and we would need a proper cook, one who could keep his cool and be silent about his work. Do you know someone who could fit?"

Elijah contemplated the question for a bit. "I did meet a fair amount of army cooks, but I never was a close friend with any of them. Cooks I know well … are mostly too young or very busy. Or family people, doubt they will go on dangerous mission." He fall silenced again. Then he gave Shepard a look and smiled. She understood instantly what he was thinking.

"You are thinking about being the cook yourself, aren't you?" Jane said.

"Yes, I am."

"Elijah, I know my reputation precedes me, if you are doing this because of some hero worship, I want you to reconsider this. I can look for someone else."

Chef's voice took a very deep tone. "Commander. I am well aware how dangerous job will be and I accept the risks. My restaurant can run without me, staff is very trained and professional. I don't have no wife or child to worry about and my family will understand if I go with you. They are one rare people who see your actions in proper light."

Shepard's spoke in her commander voice. "Very well, but I want to make this very clear. You don't work for Cerberus, you work for me. You will receive proper payment at the end of this. There will be some heavy hours to work, crazy and dangerous people to serve. We will fly into lawless part of galaxy, there is good chance of being shot down or captured. I also expect you to cook regular food. Wonderful as they are, I don't want my crew living on cakes and pastas. Once you board, you can tell no one what exactly you do, unless it's authorized. As far as everyone knows, you are on a warship. Can you deal with all of these?"

"I have two Michelin stars. I can do what you need."

Jane smiled. "Welcome aboard, Elijah. How much time do you need to prepare for departure?"

"Hmmm. Five hours, give or take."

"Take seven. We will be waiting for you at the dock. See you soon." Shepard said as the trio left, Garrus and Mordin waving as well.

Elijah took a few moments to think before opening his omni-tool and calling his brother about recent and future events. Then he stopped. Shit. He couldn't tell he will work for Shepard. Someone might use his family to blackmail him. He would have to think something up and hope his parents figure out now to look too deep or inquire too much about his story.

_Six hours and forty minutes later, Citadel docks._

Elijah was approaching the Normandy ramp, with a bag and a backpack. He was greeted by a very hot dark-haired woman in a white catsuit. Pretty as she was, her face all spoke "business".

"Mister Elijah Hrastovic?" she asked.

"Yes. I was told to meet Miranda."

"That is me. Please stand still for a minute." Miranda said as she took her omni-tool and scanned Elijah and his omni-tool as well.

"Standard omni-tool. No hidden programs or listening devices. Very well. I see Shepard picked someone who's sensible enough to stick to the agreements. Follow me."

As Elijah stepped in, Normandy slowly began to take off.


	3. First day

_Normandy mess hall_

Small as it was, the cooking area was well equipped. Fridge and ovens were brand new, tables were clean and there was an absolutely humongous freezer accessible by small door under his feet. It was mostly empty, but Elijah was going to correct that soon. Shepard had bought some high quality supplies and they were waiting in the cargo hold. Chef was simply taking time to think how to sort them out for easy access.

Mess Sergeant Gardner was in fact slightly relived he was being replaced. Comments about food tasting like ass would be pointed out at someone else now. Ungrateful bunch of princess. He gave Elijah a small tour of the ship and introduced him to the resident AI as well. Slightly spooked by EDI, Elijah never the less kept his cool. This was exactly the kind of stuff Shepard talked about. No point in loosing himself at first strange situation. Fact that AI commented that his heart rate has increased significantly when he met "it" didn't help either.

Across the cooking area was the medical bay, where he met the resident doctor. Chakwas was very pleasant to talk to. They had a brief conversation about nutritional value of meals that will be prepared and how to avoid mixing levo and dextero supplies. Good doctor hoped she would have fewer events of indigestion or constipation on the ship. Elijah couldn't hold himself back from making a bad pun about all his work ultimately being shit. Chakwas chuckled slightly at that as he left.

Down the hall, at the main battery, Elijah was told that Garrus was residing there, busy with ship's weapons. Right around the corner was Miranda's office and near it the crew quarters where Elijah was sleeping. They even had proper beds. Much better than the sleeping pods that were common on most army ships.

Above and below him were the other important floors. CIC, captain quarters, the core, the cargo. Elijah still had to say hello to either Shepard or Joker who was in the cockpit, but decided that could wait. They would all come to him later anyway when the meal was ready.

For the next hour he had along with few crew members and Jacob Taylor loaded the supplies into the fridge and the freezer. Jacob seemed like a decent man, but it was all Elijah could say about him. Other Cerberus personnel weren't much chatty beyond their comments about Gardner's horrible food and high hopes they placed in him.

Then the real test came. Preparing first meal aboard the ship. He was slightly nervous. Working with the new equipment meant some time was needed to become familiar with it. So Elijah decided for simple lunch. Soups, salads, bread, baked potatoes and chicken were all a good start. He also set up cooking a salarian dish that looked like noodle soup and a tuiran meal similar to what the crew was having.

It didn't take long for the ship's crew to start gathering. Elijah placed huge portions on the desk, enabling people to take a tray and pick up food on their own as he made more. Soon he saw his first familiar face. Joker was here, walking very carefully.

"So it's true, we have a master chef. Welcome aboard the Normandy." he extended his hand and Elijah shake it gently.

"Mister Moreau, good to see you again."

"Please, it's 'Joker', everybody call me like that. What are we having tonight?" Joker give a look at the desk. "Oh wow. Is that real bread? It's even fresh!"

"Right out of the oven." Elijah said proudly.

"Finally we'll have something to eat instead of crew members processed into nutrient paste by the AI." he pointed at the EDI's interface.

"I do not process crew members into nutrient paste, mister Moreau." EDI's voice chimed.

"Oh really? Home come there was less people last evening at the CIC?"

"It's a night shift, mister Moreau."

"Details, details." Joker said to the blue orb.

A rough voice from behind cut him off. "Hey, glass boy. Would you take your pick? Others would like to have theirs as well."

Elijah could say for sure he hasn't seen such an ugly face in a long time. And he has served a lot of krogan in the last two years. Man looked like galaxy has chewed him like a gum, stretched him, then chewed him again and repeated a process dozens of times.

"Yeah, I am. Don't stop being a ray of sunshine you usually are just because of me." Joker said and whispered to the chef. "That's Zaeed. He's like a grumpy cat, never seems happy unless he's killing people."

Joker leaved with his meal and Zaeed picked a tray and loaded it up.

"At least someone on this ship knows to do his fucking job properly. This stuff doesn't look like the shit that's usually served." he said looking at the food "Got beer?"

Elijah reached under the counter and pulled out a cold can.

Zaeed smiled "I might just like you."

For unknown reason Elijah was terrified of that prospect.

Door at the forward battery opened and Garrus came out. He gave the chef a polite nod and they exchanged pleasantries, promising to chat a bit more later. Just as Garrus was about to pick his meal and go back to his loft, Shepard walked in.

"Vakarian, I hope you aren't planning on going into hiding again?"

Garrus had a face of a boy caught doing something he shouldn't. He was about to utter something smart, when Shepard pointed at the tables.

"Go take a seat and socialize a bit. Get to know Zaeed or Jacob. That's an order. I'll be there in a minute."

Groaning a bit, Garrus walked away as Shepard reached the chef and greeted him.

"Elijah. Good to have you aboard. Sorry I couldn't come down any sooner, had some important business to attend to. Did Miranda treat you well?"

"She had indeed, commander. But between the two of us." Elijah leaned a little toward the Shepard "The way she dressed, she could treat me anyway she liked."

Jane chuckled. "That's the sixth time I heard that line. I should start noting it down to not lost count." she give the food on display a look "I see you didn't go crazy like the first time we went to your place."

"Oh no, commander. Had to test the ovens first. Plus, most of the restaurant food isn't quite suitable to eat ever day. Something closer to home is better."

"Now I feel a bit dumb for hiring a professional chef to cook regular meals." she said as she loaded her tray,

"Nah, it only sounds easy. Working at restaurant is easier for me. People come and they order what they want. Here? I have to think the food up and balance it. Vitamins, mineral, proteins, fibers – all must be kept in diet. Not to mention cooking for Vakarian and salarain doctor. Aliens have different needs."

"I see. What do you think of your new job so far?"

"So far so good, commander. I will let you know when I fail. Although rampant hungry mob might be first sign of that."

Shepard chuckled and left for table "Alright. Oh and one more thing – it's Shepard, cut the 'commander' crap. I already told you that. You are not in the army to speak by rank."

"Sure thing, Shepard." he saluted mockingly at her.

Lunch was soon over. Last one to come to it and finish was Miranda who took in a colossal amount of food. Elijah was silently impressed as she returned a completely empty tray. Either she was a biotic or that woman had some insane workout plan.

Packing the trays and dishes into the washer, Elijah heard footsteps from the elevator. He turned to see Mordin coming in, bringing empty bowl back.

"Excellent meal. I very much enjoyed it. Looking forward to more." he said shortly and left.

Wow. Three whole sentences from a salarian. Usually he received one or two tops. Today was a good day.

**_Thanks to Br2nd66, SolarGunman and whitepriest27 for being first people to follow my fanfiction. :)_**


	4. Baby krogan

_Orbit of Korlus_

It was certainly a busy day aboard the Normandy.

Looking trough it's port-side windows, one could see why planet below was called "garbage scow with a climate". Ugly black and brown clouds dominated much of its atmosphere and around the Normandy there were dozens of spaceships being stripped of their vital components before their husks were dropped onto the rotten surface of Korlus.

Elijah was thinking who could possibly live and work there and somehow be of such importance that commander Shepard went down to recruit them. Garrus shed some light on the matter, it was a krogan warlord, an exceptionally old one. Undoubtedly cranky, too.

Garrus, chef and few other crew members were discussing the mission as they followed it over the Vakarian's omni-tool. Shepard has made the decision to take Mordin and Miranda with her. Doctor expressed desire to meet the krogan who apparently was also a scientist to boot, while Miranda as Cerberus representative was meant to formalize the deal they made months ago. That left the resident turian sniper out and he was not very happy, but he told he understood it. Shepard kept her teams in rotation.

Things didn't go as planned. Almost from touchdown the ground squad had to deal with huge amount of Blue Suns and unusually large number of krogans. Breaking into the depths of the facility cut the signal for a while, but as they reached the higher levels contact was restored. Elijah suspected it was the moment when Garrus could breathe a little easier.

Final fight, curses shouted by the Blue Sun leader, explosions and screams barely made any sense. It all ended with krogan warlord scientist dead and Shepard asking for a pick-up to bring a huge tank with a "perfect krogan solider" inside that warlord has made. She described whole ordeal as "not a bad for Sunday morning".

"Only Shepard." Garrus commented with a chuckle.

_Later that day_

Elijah just finished washing the dishes when a very loud "thud" was heard trough the ship. He didn't know what it was, only that it was so serious that Garrus, Chakwas and Miranda all rushed out of their rooms toward the elevator.

Ten minutes passed by and nothing more was heard. First to return was Chakwas, rubbing her templates and murmuring about needing a drink. Miranda and Garrus came back next, each recovering from a shock. Miranda went to her office, while Garrus stopped by Elijah and asked for a glass of turian brandy. Chef poured him and Garrus finished it in one go.

"So? What happened?" Elijah asked.

Garrus huffed ."Shepard decided to play with everybody's nerves and her life. Again. I swear, if the bullet doesn't get me first, she definitely will."

"What did she do?"

"You know the tank with 'super krogan' they collected this morning?"

Elijah paused before realizing the obvious. "Let me guess: she opened it?"

"Not only that, she did it alone. Without bothering to notify anyone. She said she had to 'earn its respect' or something."

"Oh crap."

"My thoughts exactly." Garrus said that as he heard elevator doors opening again "Stay sharp, I think they are coming your way." He patted chef on the shoulder as he went to his post.

"Those are the showers and the toilets, and this is the mess hall. Here you can eat, or just pick up food and go downstairs, however you like it." Shepard said as she was giving orange krogan with sliver crest the tour.

"And this is our chef – Elijah. He prepares our food. Elijah, this is Grunt. Can you make something for him? I need to do a few things. Will be back in ten to twenty minutes." she turned to Grunt again "Grunt, don't hurt anyone, I will be back soon."

Grunt grunted in acknowledgment, but kept his gaze in the human.

Elijah kept his gaze on the krogan as well, studying him.

Odd silence lasted for full two minutes. Finally the krogan broke it.

"What are you looking at, human?"

"Your crest." Elijah said calmly.

"What of it?"

"It's silvery and separated. You are … quite young."

"I was born twenty minutes ago. " Grunt commented.

"Impressive."

"If you are in awe, you should be. I am a perfect krogan."

"Well, mister 'perfect', what can I get you?" Elijah said sarcastically.

Grunt didn't appreciate it.

"Your voice. It's mocking me." he leaned in closer to the chef "It's not wise to do that, human."

Elijah didn't budge back, but he didn't feel very comfortable either. And the korgan noticed it.

"Your eyes. They are reacting, shrinking. Human response to danger. You are afraid of me." Grunt said.

"Maybe." Elijah took a small breath "But it wouldn't be wise to threaten your cook, Grunt."

"And what could you do? You are no warrior like Shepard."

"I am not. I am worse."

Grunt blinked, wondering how that could even be a possibility.

"Shepard? She is quick. One bullet and you are done. End of story. Me? I would just cook you a meal. With some delicious mushrooms. You would think you had the best meal in the galaxy. Nothing would happen for two months. And then…"

Elijah paused. He got the young krogan's attention.

"And then you would start leaking every possible fluid from every hole on your body. For the rest of your days. You would be bound to bed, leaking. Totally unable to … fight."

Now it was Grunt's eyes that were reacting to fear.

"So think carefully who you threaten, Grunt."

There was a short silence again.

"You … You wouldn't dare do that, would you?" Grunt asked.

Elijah smiled. "Naaaaaah, of course I wouldn't! I was just messing with you. There are no such mushrooms."

Grunt smiled back. "Hee hee hee, you are good. You got me."

"You got me too. You wouldn't hurt me, no?" he said and Grunt actually paused to think.

"Maybe if I was really hungry. Like now. I could eat two of you."

"Well, in that case, let's get you something ready, since there isn't two of me to go around." Elijah said as he quickly opened the fridge and took out whatever meat was at hand. While the tankborn slowly devoured the given food, the chef went to freezer to pick up more.

_One hour later_

Shepard walked back in the mess hall and to her pleasant surprise saw Grunt standing peacefully next to Elijah, eating whatever the chef was making. They seemed to be in middle of a conversation too.

"… so one time we had a crack in the wall and ammonia from the volus room was leaking into the reinforced room for the krogan. But that night there mixed groups of krogans and elcors. And both were wondering who was making the horrible smell. Each though it was the other group." Elijah spoke.

"What happened then? Did they get into a fight?" Grunt asked.

"No, in fact they took it as a challenge. Drunken idiots, all of them."

Shepard was now intrigued as well.

"They all ordered whatever would burn trough their intestines faster and then they had a farting contest."

"Dare I ask who won?" Shepard asked.

"The krogan, of course."

"HA!" Grunt shouted.

"Sixteen people had to be hospitalized later, mostly the victors." Elijah picked another piece of meat and placed it onto the Grunt's plate. "We made a lot of 'terminus chili' that night. Normally we just make few of those a month. They burn trough pans after a while. Mighty acidic food."

"I want to try it. Can you make some now?" Grunt asked between two bites.

Shepard held her breath, mortified of the consequences.

"Sorry, Grunt. I would need batarian beans and ryncol for it." Elijah replied.

"Awww." the krogan said, saddened. Shepard on the other hand mentally breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'm sure there will be chances for that, Grunt." she patted the big krogan sympathetically on the shoulder, while she gave the chef a silent 'no'. Elijah nodded and winked to her in understanding.

"I will wait for that day, then." he placed his empty plate on the desk and turned around to leave.

"Shepard."

"Grunt."

"Food shaman."

"Grunt."

With that, the krogan left. Shepard turned around to Elijah.

"Food shaman, huh?"

"Well, that's apparently the most approximate way to describe my job. I just talked to Grunt how many years I trained, how much tests I had to pass before becoming a chef and that I have to be perfect at my job every day without exceptions. Somehow, my job is close to what krogan shamans do."

Shepard chuckled at the comparison. "Wrex told me long time ago about their shamans. They have tough job, but he never went into details. I only know its grueling work. Guess being called a 'food shaman' should be a badge of honor."

"That's much better than the name hanar gave to my profession. Most of them are vegetarians, so to a great lot of them killing animals for food is barbaric. Non-hanar chefs are called 'ones who plays with slaughter', approximately." Elijah said.

"You are kidding me?"

"Wish I did. Damn space jellyfishes were the ones who blocked me from opening a new slaughterhouse on the Citadel. Some krogan and turian patrons actually offered to 'pay them a visit' and make them 'see reason'. Had to say no."

"And to think I was annoyed to be called 'Lioness of Elysium'." Shepard smiled.

Elijah whispered. "I think you were called that because of that one vacation picture where all your muscles and scars are visible in a tiny bikini."

That grunted in annoyance. "Dammit, that picture just won't go away."

"Long live the extranet." chef fist bumped the air.

Shepard flipped him the bird. "Fuck the extranet."

"Fuck it? Why?" Just at that moment Garrus decided to come back. Shepard froze.

"You don't know of that picture of Shepard?" Elijah said and opened his omni-tool.

Shepard face started to sweat. "Don't you dare!"

Elijah hit the send button. "Too late."

A beep was heard from the Garrus's own omni-tool. He looked up. "Oooooh, the picture Liara had as her omni-tool background."

"The WHAT?"

_**Thanks for all the reviews, and to those following and faving the story as well. I will answer reviews in private messages. Also - I was told I lack bit in grammar. Any interested beta readers out there?**_


	5. Jack and the magic fridge

_Normandy's bunk beds_

Omni-tool beeped in the dead of night, waking Elijah up. He gave it a look. Someone was trying to open the fridge and didn't have the authorization for it. That was odd. As far as he knew all personnel on the ship had access to it.

Never the less, he decided to go check it out. No bothering to put on his pants, Elijah just walked out in his shirt and boxers and saw the source of the trouble. An angry half-naked tattooed woman was punching at the fridge, hissing profanities at the EDI who was repeating that access can't be granted.

"Oh yeah, the convict we picked up yesterday." Elijah said to himself. Grunt told him all about it. He was so impressed with the destruction which 'Jack' caused that Shepard and Garrus had to hold him back, in case young krogan rushed off to 'see it up close'. Shepard warned him that Jack had personal issues with Cerberus, so he better stay professional with her, though the commander doubted the convict would dare cause too much trouble.

While any other time he would enjoy a sight of half-naked female of any specie, middle of the night just wasn't it. He walked slowly to Jack and tapped her on the shoulders. She looked at him angrily.

"What the fuck do you want?"

"To stop vandalizing the fridge." Elijah replied calmly.

"This stupid piece of shit won't open!" she said.

"Were you given the access for it?"

"Who the fuck needs access for a damn fridge?"

Elijah held the urge to rub his temples. Access was given for a reason, since there was a dextero and a levo section. To avoid mixing the food leftovers by the crew, everyone were given access to their respective chirality. And someone forgot to give her permission. Or this woman was so rude they didn't bother with it.

"EDI, would you please grant her access to the levo fridge?"

"Understood. Access granted." EDI chimed and with a pop the fridge opened.

"Finally!" woman said and started looking for food.

Elijah grunted. Woman didn't even bother to say a simple 'thank you'. He looked at his omni-tool. Still could catch two hours or so of sleep before having to get up again to prepare breakfast for the morning shift. Might as well prepare it now and catch a nap after.

He went back to his bunk bed to change clothes and pick his apron. As he walked again to the kitchen, tattooed convict was messing with the stove, trying to figure out which of the buttons did what. She noticed him coming to her again.

"Back so soon? What do you want now? I stopped vandalizing the fridge."

"So I can see. Now you are vandalizing the stove."

"Don't tell me I need authorization for this too?"

"No, but I could help, if you would let me?"

"I can cook my own food, Cerberus fridge boy. What are you? Fucking chef?"

Elijah raised his apron and showed the Michelin man and two stars that were on it. Jack's eyes focused on it for a moment before she realized their significance.

"Well fuck me sideways. Shepard must be richer then I thought to hire your ass." she said.

"What can I say? Being a chef is basically being a whore." That made her crack a small chuckle.

"Albeit an expensive whore." Elijah said as he tied the apron "I think we got on a wrong foot. Let's try this again. I am Elijah and I don't work for Cerberus, by the way." he offered his hand.

"Not Cerberus, eh?" her eyes measured him for a few second before shaking his hand "Well at least you don't have their fucking logo anywhere. I'm Jack."

"My pleasure. Now - what were you trying to make?"

Jack pointed at the small pile of food on her side "Just bacon and eggs. And some chocolate chips. I missed them so bad even before being in the cryo back at the Purgatory."

"Want help?" Elijah offered.

"Yeah. Besides, you are paid to do that, ain't ya, whore?" she teased with a smile.

"That I am. Take a seat at the mess table. It'll be done soon." Elijah didn't even flinch at the insult. It seemed like a norm with this woman.

"I'd rather not. Here I am further away from that Cerberus bitch of a cheerleader." Jack spoke with venom in mouth.

"Miranda?"

Jack nodded in response. "Bravo, you got in one."

Elijah started cracking eggs and slicing the bacon. "Can't comment much on her personality, but her … 'arguments' … leaves one deep in though."

Jack walked to the fridge and picked a beer. "Cheerleader has big melons, I'll give her that."

As eggs started frying, chef gave the convict a look. He had noticed earlier, but only now could he give her tattoos a proper looked. They certainly were fascinating. Fact that she was only wearing few belts left little to imagination.

"Enjoying the view?" Jack sipped her beer and looked at the chef's forehead "Nice scar. Where did you get it?"

A year old story by now, but one which Elijah liked to retell.

"Drunk krogan customer in a bad mood." he removed the eggs from the pan and put bacon instead "Poor bastard came very depressed at my restaurant. Week before that he had testicular transplant. Krogan folk cure for the genophage, I was later told. Didn't work well for him. Expensive operation, too."

"Yeah, I heard about it. Ten thousand credits for a single nut, forty thousand for the whole set." Jack noted.

"I know. He shouted all night about wasted money and how operation didn't work. But not only did it not work, it got complicated. Apparently the purchased nuts were infected with some … god-knows-what rotting disease."

"That shit doesn't sound good at all." Jack said as Elijah put finished bacon and eggs on her plate. She smiled and started devouring the food. Chef in the meantime started mixing the cookie dough.

"But that was not the best part. Krogan got even more drunk and started talking in details about the infection. This is what he said." Elijah cleared his throat **"I went to salarian doctor. He said he had to cut all of my nuts off."**

Jack chuckled. Chef was good at imitating krogan voice.

**"Then I told him to piss off and went to a turian doctor. He also told me he had to cut them all off. I told him to go fuck himself and went to a human doctor. I told him what the other two fuckers told me and then he gave it a look. Finally he told me he would not have to cut them off. I was so happy, happy beyond reason. And! And then he said…" **Elijah faked a krogan sobbing **"…'No need to cut them, they will fall off themselves!'"**

Jack totally lost her shit, laughing out and chocking on her food. "Oh god, that's fucking hysterical!" she kept herself from falling on her ass from the laughing fits.

"That's what the whole restaurant was thinking and we just couldn't hold the laughter back." Elijah said "Now THAT got him very pissed. He flipped the table and started shouting at the customers, threatening to rip all of our nuts."

He added chocolate powder at the cookie dough and continued mixing "Turians and some humans in the restaurant were all ready for the fight, other people and employees were quite nervous, so I had to calm the krogan."

"Now you are shitting me. You had the balls to calm the krogan?" Jack asked.

"Had more balls than him anyway." Elijah said with a smile "Tried my best at calm him at first and after I threatened to call C-Sec, but then he started pushing me and I didn't liked it very much. So I took a step back and took 'you want troubles, cunt?' pose. The krogan instantly started to take a step forward, but while he was standing on just one leg, I headbutted him with all the force I could muster."

"Nice."

"He fell straight on his ass, but so did I. Had a massive gash over my head, blood coming like waterfall from it. Doctor said he was amazed my skull didn't crack because krogan's crest did." Elijah rubbed his forehead.

"What happened after?" Jack placed her dirty dishes into the sink "Cops came?"

"Yeah. One of waiters had the brains to call them. Luckily, the krogan didn't do much damage besides broken glass and torn sheet. I had no heart to press charges against him. C-Sec was in fact more fascinated that I managed to walk and give detailed account of the event." Elijah poured the finished cookie dough into the molds and placed them in the oven.

"Cops laughed their asses off when I told them what happened. A week later an asari officer from C-Sec even came to my restaurant and give me printed and framed report of the events."

"Fuck me. Really?"

"She called it 'the funniest goddess-damn report in the last fifty cycles I made'."

Jack rubbed her chin, thinking. "Now I am interested in what happened fifty years that was funnier."

"So was I. She wouldn't tell me, though." he gave the cookies a look "These should be done in twenty minutes or so. I have to prepare breakfast for the whole ship now, so you'll excuse me." Elijah opened trap door in the floor and entered the large freezer.

Jack looked over the edge "Sweet. I didn't know we had corpse storage. Cerberus fuckers really do think of everything. Will make it lot easier to keep cheerleader's ass in mint condition before I sell her to vorcha."

Elijah gave her a concerned look, because he really didn't know if Jack was serious or kidding.


End file.
